England is a lovely place, the people, countryside, food, buildings, cars and just about everything else. If its one thing I’m beginning to have a healthy dislike for, its the sandwiches. Now, sandwiches are delicate things and you can’t hurt their feelings by just stuffing a piece of bacon between a sliced bun and calling it a sandwich or butty! A sandwich must be full of taste, texture and stuffing and yet be easily held in the fingers of one hand. It shouldn’t have pieces of anything inside, like whole rashers of bacon, that don’t yield easily to your teeth – because the next thing you know, you have one fourth of a rasher of bacon in your mouth, the rest hanging off your teeth and its also pulled everything else in the sandwich out and on to your plate, or perhaps your lap.
Sandwiches are delicate things. You need to attain a gentle balance of flavor and texture. The filling must be placed such that it stays inside and just spreads to the sides when the second slice is placed atop it. The ingredients must be just the right size and texture. The level of moisture should be such that it is moist but doesn’t make the bread soggy nor drip. Sandwiches are to be eaten anywhere, not bent over a sink, hiding from civilization. You do not put slices of sausage in there, with skin that doesn’t yield. You do not serve it straight from the fridge and you do not make it with bread thats come straight from the fridge. And please, when you’re toasting a sandwich, remember its supposed to gently crunch in your mouth, not lacerate the roof of your mouth and exit through your nostrils.
I had a sandwich for lunch today. A toasted sandwich. With two long rashers of underdone bacon. And 2 horizontally sliced sausages with stretchy skin. And sour tomatoes. My mouth hurts. The bacon pulled nearly everything else out. The tomatoes splattered my trousers. Whatever the bacon left in the sandwich, the sausages proceeded to evict. My boss wished he was invisible. My client wondered what kind of clown he’s hired for his business process analysis.
English sandwiches? Bah, humbug.
- Sid
Bacon, sausages, and tomatoes sound great together. Although I do see how they’d make for a terrible sandwich;)
That’s a fuuny picture you’ve painted. Sandwiches can be a real embarassment specially when your blouse gets drips of mayonnaise.
This reminds me of Lawrence Sanders of the “Deadly Sins” fame. He has a character , a detective who thrives on sandwiches. I remember everytime I read the book the description of the sandwiches had me running to the fridge to make a similar sandwich for myself.Needless to say I love sandwiches.
You have my sympathy. I’ve always disliked the way sandwiches are made and stored here. There is nothing worse than a cold, damp sandwich in winter. There are so many more inspired ways of making them but Britain just doesn’t care enough about the quality.
I hope you manage to find something palatable soon.
Have you warmed up yet?
Toni: Oh, I don’t know about the ‘care enough’ part, I’m guessing thats the way it is.
Sorry if that sounded like a judgement on the culture or the people – I was waxing on the sandwiches only. Yes, I’ve warmed up. I have to commute to Bakewell every day and its an uphill walk for about 10 minutes. By the time I’m there, considering the shape I’m in (oblong), I’m pretty much warmed up I would say… and quite well ventilated too! 
Mum: Yeah, thats where the sink comes in. If you remember, Chief Delaney (I think) loves his sandwiches on rye bread and you catch him eating one over the sink quite a few times.
Marvin: Yeah, There’s no doubt about the taste – its the ‘putting it all together’ that I’m whining about.
Well the walking should help you get into shape! I understand what you were saying about the sandwiches but the only ready-made ones I’ve enjoyed are from a company, whose name I forget, who make them for you with exactly what you want and then put them under some kind of grill to crisp up and heat through. They are good!
Oblong is a shape!!
Yes, I already feel trimmer, just need to look trimmer too.
It’s all that walking!8-)